One day Bartholomew was walking by the wizard's chamber when he heard him shout "Eureka!", so, naturally curious, he popped in and asked what all the excitement was about.
"Why, Bartholomew, my good fellow, at last I have conjured up the RUBRIC. My quest is complete."
"That's wonderful!", said Bartholomew, "Well, I guess it is. But what's a RUBRIC anyway?"
"Ah," said the wizard, "Many's the tale about a magic oracle that could see through the fog of human obscurity, and properly weigh the measure of one's worth. It is said that Alexander carried a golden head in a bag, and held long conversations with it about his plans to conquer the world. And the first emperor of China is said to have had an ivory harp that would play a song, sweet or sour, as its answer to any question put to it. But this knowledge was long lost in the whirlwind of history until at last I pieced it together this afternoon."
"That's all very fine, wizard," said Bartholomew, "but I see no golden head or ivory harp on your table, just the usual scraps of tattered parchment."
"Exactly, my boy, and that's the beauty of it. You see, I have been asked, as in every past year, to evaluate all the members of the League of Superheroes, but there are so many, and I find myself praising one hero for the very things I disparaged in another. Even I, with all my wisdom, can't be objective. And what if I were to pass away, and another had to do this job? Why, the standards would vary from one year to the next in a disastrous way."
"And you have found a remedy?"
Holding up the tattered parchment, the wizard said "Gaze upon this RUBRIC, Bartholomew, for it encompasses all my wisdom, and it answers all my questions with clarity, efficiency, and objectivity. Now no one can question my judgment, not even me!"
And lo, it was true, as Bartholomew saw in the cold, majestic logic of the RUBRIC:
| Far exceeds Superhero | Well above Superhero | Acceptable Superhero | Superhero Needing Improvement | Subhero |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Faster than a speeding bullet; | Can keep up with a bullet; | Can load bullet into gun and fire it; | Has no bullets, but knows where to buy them; | Frightened by sound of bullet. |
| More powerful than a locomotive; | As powerful as a fire engine; | Almost as powerful as an ice cream truck; | Able to ride in car without vomiting; | Can say "vroom!" |
| Able to leap tall buildings; | Able to leap tall buildings, with running start; | Able to leap medium-sized buildings; | Can get over a bungalow using a ladder; | Can walk through a building using doors. |
"This looks very like a teacher's grading key, except your columns aren't labeled A, B, C, D, F," said Bartholomew.
"Oh this is nothing like that," said the wizard. "Grades are demeaning and judgmental. And you notice we don't use numeric scores here, but rather levels of attained skills. All very scientific and the latest thing. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to conjure up a RUBRIC for my new dating service."
"Gee whillikers!" said Bartholomew, "You can't beat modern management! Once we get all these RUBRICs set up, why anyone can do an evaluation, and we can be sure of the extent to which our objectives have been achieved."
And so, satisfied that the future was in good hands, Bartholomew continued on his original way to the museum, to enjoy looking at the gallery of beautifully framed MISSION STATEMENTS.