My friend Meg and I were talking one day and she mentioned that she dreaded the moment at parties where a stranger says
"Oh and what do you do?"because as soon as she says
"I'm a mathematician"the person instantly responds
"Oh, that was my worst subject in school!".
Well, I said, the response I usually get is
"You're a mathematician? I can't even balance my check book!".We were both puzzled as to why people would say such things. We decided that people learn a thing to say about every possible career. If they're actually interested in what you're saying, they might say more, but they always have a dummy line they can insert into the conversation. The fact that the canned response might be a conversation-stopper is, presumably, only a secondary worry. The important thing is, never allow a moment of uncomfortable silence to creep into your chatter!
Later, Meg signed up for an art class, and when the instructor asked for her background, Meg cringed, and then explained why. The instructor laughed, and told her that when he tells people he's an artist, the response is
"You teach art? I can't even draw a straight line!"
| Career | Automatic Response |
|---|---|
| Artist | I can't even draw a straight line! |
| Astronomer | Shouldn't you be normally be sleeping right now? |
| Haven't all the stars been discovered by now? | |
| Auto Mechanic | I can't change a tire! |
| Carpenter | I can't nail two boards together! |
| Comedian | Were you funny even as a child? |
| How do you remember all those jokes? | |
| So why aren't you funny right now? | |
| Computer Programmer | I can't program my VCR! |
| Computer Science Professor | I can't even get my email to work! |
| Cook | I can't boil water! |
| Crossword Constructor | Do you write the clues first, or put the words in the little boxes? |
| Dancer | I have two left feet! |
| Doctor | I can't stand the sight of blood! |
| Driving Instructor | I can't even parallel park! |
| Electrician | I can't change a light bulb! |
| Freelance writer | Freelance writer is just a polite name for 'unemployed'! Peter Greenough, husband of Beverly Sills. |
| Garbageman | How do you stand the smell? |
| Geographer | You must really know your state capitals! |
| History Professor | I can't remember my wedding anniversary! |
| Librarian | I'll bet you read a lot! |
| Life Guard | I can't even tread water! |
| Linguistics Professor | ...So how many languages do you know? |
| Mailman | Don't your feet hurt? |
| Mathematician | I can't even balance my check book! |
| Do you just look up formulas in a book all day? | |
| That was my worst subject in school! | |
| You must be really smart! | |
| So what do you do all day, add up really long lists of numbers? | |
| So you teach for an hour, then go to your office and just think about problems to solve? | |
| Musician | I can't carry a tune! |
| Painter | Isn't that just seasonal work? (said to Andrew Wyeth at a dinner party) |
| Policeman | Have you ever had to shoot someone? |
| Polymer Chemist | Should I ask for paper or plastic bags? |
| Should I use cloth or disposable diapers? | |
| Tailor | I can't sew a button back on! |
| Waitress | Aren't people so rude? |
| Writer | I've always wanted to write a children's book! |
| Where do you get your ideas? |