STEVE WRIGHT

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to
go to his office.  You'll just be walking down the street, and...
Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the
entire planet Earth taken from space.  On the back it said,
"Wish you were here."

A stranger asked me if I knew what time it was.  
I said, "Yes, but not right now."

A while ago, I went skiing in England.  It was a rare package:
two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in
England.  I said, "Yes, I'll take it."  I got on this chairlift
with this guy I didn't know.  We went halfway up the mountain
without saying a word.  Then he turned to me and said, "You
know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years."  I
said, "Why did you take such a long time off?"  He said, "I was
in prison.  Want to know why?"  I said, "Not really.  Well, you
better tell me why."  He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a
Ferris wheel."  I said, "I remember you."

A wino asked me for change.  I gave him my shirt.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

All of the people in my building are insane.  The guy above me
designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.  The lady across
the hall tried to rob a department store...  With a pricing
gun.  She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm
marking down everything in the store."

All the plants in my house are dead.  I shot them last night.

And when I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great 
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me 
if I'm leaving.

Another thing I like to say when I pick up hitchikers is
"Sooo, how far did you THINK you were going anyway?"

Are there any questions?

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the
beach...  It pisses me off!  I'll go over to a little baby and
say, "What are you doing here?  You haven't worked a day in your
life!"

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that
he just whipped out a quarter?

Doing a little work around the house.  I put fake brick
wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one
who knew.  People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch
it...  It feels real."

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press?  
I don't get it.

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up,
and smile in case someone's taking a satellite picture.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math look exciting.

For a while I didn't have a car...  I had a helicopter...  There
was no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and 
left it running...  (Slow glance upward.)

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier.  I put
them in the same room and let them fight it out.  Then I filled
my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.

Four years ago...No, it was yesterday.

Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French
looking girl.  She was a bilingual illiterate.  She couldn't
read in two different languages.

How young can you die of old age?

I accidentally shot my father-in-law while deer hunting.  It was
an honest mistake.  I came out of the tent in the morning and
thought I saw a deer in an orange vest making coffee.

I bought a cheap piece of land.  It was on someone else's property.

I bought a dog the other day...  I named him Stay.  It's fun to
call him...  "Come here, Stay!  Come here, Stay!"  He went
insane.  Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.  He's an East
German Shepherd.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road.  I don't have a clue
how I got there.

I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish.  
I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck.  
The next day I could stutter in Spanish.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas.  I took it to
the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a
different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in
it.  You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and
it starts to snow.  I bought one, except this has a snow plow
that does it in rows.
(Later:)  I bought one of those little glass ball things with
the snow in it...  Just checking.

I bought this thing for my car.  You put it on your car, it sends 
out this little noise, so when you drive by the woods, deer 
won't run in front of your car.  But by accident, I installed it 
backwards.  Now I'm driving down the street with a herd of deer 
chasing me.  Those were the days.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed.  It wasn't the kind that folds.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer
thinks he can get me five.

I can levitate birds.  No one cares.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep.  Mom said,
"Steven, time to go to sleep."  I said, "But I don't know how."
She said, "It's real easy.  Just go down to the end of tired and
hang a left."  So I went down to the end of tired, and just out
of curiosity I hung a right.  My mother was there, and she said
"I thought I told you to go to sleep."

I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness 
stand.  "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the 
truth so help you God?"  "Yes, you're ugly.  See that woman in 
the jury?  I'd really like to sleep with her.  Should I keep going 
or are you going to ask me questions?"
 
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my
Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying
to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the
highway and began hitching.  Within three minutes I got picked
up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new
cars.  I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door.
The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you get
into one of the cars out back."  So I did.  And he was really
into picking people up because he picked up 19 more.  We all had
our own cars.  Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got
speeding tickets.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids.  I got a toy
subway instead.  You couldn't see anything, but every now and
then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

I didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone -
it had no number 5 on it.  I saw a close friend of mine the
other day...He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?"  I
said, "I can't call everyone I want.  My new phone has no five
on it."  He said, "How long have you had it?"  I said, "I don't
know, my calendar has no sevens on it."

I didn't know it then, but looking back, in hindsight, I realize
that when I was younger I could see into the future.  Now I'm
getting all my premonitions as flashbacks!

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone
inside my fish tank.  I can't hear it, but every time I get a
call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<.  I go down to
the pet store - "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls
yesterday."

I filled out an application that said "In Case Of Emergency Notify". 
I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

I got a new shadow.  I had to get rid of the other one.  
It wasn't doing what I was doing.

I got an answering machine for my phone.  Now when I'm not home
and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy
signal.  

I got food poisoning today.  I don't know when I'll use it.

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after
me...  I pushed "1" and he just stood there...  I said, "Hi,
where you going?"  He said, "Phoenix."  So I pushed Phoenix.  A
few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...
We were in downtown Phoenix.  I looked at him and said, "You
know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with."  We
got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert.  I
asked him why he lives all alone out in the desert.  He said,
"Don't tell anyone, but I'm doing secret research for the
government."  I asked what kind of research.  He said, "I'm
trying to determine who *really* built the pyramids.  Now, I'm
not positive, but I think it was a guy named 'Phil'."  Then the
phone rang.  He said, "You get it."  I picked it up and said,
"Hello?"...  The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?"...  I
said, "Yes..."  The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr.  Jones, the student
loan director from your bank.  It seems you have missed your
last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they
received none of the $17,000 we loaned you.  We would just like
to know what happened to the money?"  I said, "Mr.  Jones, I'll
give it to you straight.  I gave all of the money to my friend
Jiggs Casey, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...  And I
would appreciate it if you never called me again."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it, holds it close,
holds it far away, and finally says, "Here, you can go."

I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing
so I bought the album.

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
Information.  She said, "Hello, Information."  I said, "I can't
find my socks."  She said, "They're behind the couch."  And they
were!

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...
Boy, were they mad!

I had a friend who was a clown.  When he died, all his friends
went to the funeral in one car.

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology...  The
study of milkmen.

I had to stop driving my car for a while.  The tires got dizzy.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that
means it's going to be up all night.

I have a decaffeinated coffee table.  
You'd never know it to look at it.

I have a friend named Dennis.  Both of his parents were midgets,
but by a freak of nature, he is not a midget.  He's a midget-dwarf.
He's two inches tall.  He's the guy who poses for trophies.

I have a map of the United States.  Actual size.  It says,
"Scale:  1 mile = 1 mile."  I spent all of last summer folding it
back up.  I also have a full-size map of the world.  I hardly ever 
unroll it.  People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".

I have an answering machine in my car.  It says, "I'm home now.
But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I have the oldest typewriter in the world.  
It types in pencil.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells.  I keep it
on all the beaches of the world.  Perhaps you've seen it.

I have two very rare photographs.  One is a picture of Houdini
locking his keys in his car.  The other is a rare photograph of
Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.
I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I installed a skylight in my apartment.  
The people who live above me are furious!

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I just bought a microwave fireplace for my house.  It says on the
box that you can spend a whole evening in front of it, in only
eight minutes.

I just got out of the hospital.  I was in a speed reading
accident.  I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I knew a guy who installed a telephone answering machine on his car phone.  
His message was,  
  "I can't answer your call right now because I'm IN.  
   Next time I'm OUT I'll return your call."

I like candy canes; they're my favorite candy.  But I only like
the white part.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and 
act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit... 

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
Boy With Pail...Kitten On Fire.

I like to leave messages BEFORE the beep.

I like to pick up hitchhikers.  When they get in the car I say,
"Put on your seat belt.  I want to try something.  I saw it once
in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I locked my keys in the car the other day.  But it was alright,
I was still inside.

I looked out my apartment window, and I saw a bird wearing
sneakers and a button saying, "I ain't flying nowhere."  I
said, "What's your problem buddy?"  He said, "I'm sick of this
stuff - winter here, summer there, winter here, summer there.
I don't know who thought this stuff up, but it certainly wasn't
a bird."  I said, "Well, I was just making breakfast, do you want
do come in and have some eggs? ...sorry!"

I lost a button hole today.  Where am I gonna find another one?

I love to go shopping.  I love to freak out salespeople.  They
ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything
I'd like?"  Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra
medium."

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

I once locked my keys out of my car.  I had to break out of my car
with a coat hanger.

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building.  I
changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and
landed on my feet.  Two little kittens nearby saw what happened
and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's
done."

I owed my friend George $25.  For about three weeks I owed it to
him.  The whole time I had the money on me - he didn't know it.
Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held
up.  He said, "Gimme all your money."  I said, "Wait a minute."
I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you."  The the
thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave
it to George.  At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars
from George.

I play the harmonica.  The only way I can play is if I get my
car going really fast, and stick it out the window.  I've been
arrested three times for practicing.  I put a new engine in my 
car, but forgot to take the old one out.  Now my car goes 500 
miles per hour.  The harmonica sounds amazing.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be.  I called
someone.  They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one
out.  Now my car goes 500 miles per hour.  The harmonica sounds
amazing.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures
of cats on them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in
circles.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I put my air conditioner in backwards.  It got cold outside.
The weatherman on TV was confused.  "It was supposed to be hot
today."

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally
walk through into another dimension.

I realized that sponges grow in the ocean. If they didn't, would 
the ocean be deeper?

I recently bought some instant water, but I didn't know what to
add to it.
 
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it
looks like I'm the only one moving.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that
much time.

I saw a sign at a gas station.  It said "Help Wanted."  There
was another sign below it that said "Self Service."  So I hired
myself.  Then I made myself the boss.  I gave myself a raise.  I
paid myself.  Then I quit.

I saw a sign:  "Rest Area 25 Miles".  That's pretty big.  Some
people must be really tired.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.
She said, "It's free with purchase."  I asked her if anyone
bought anything today.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I spilled spot remover on my dog.  He's gone now.

I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards.  
I got a full house and four people died.

I think I'm going to start a car repair shop.  
I've got a great head start.  
I already have plenty of air for the tires.

I took a baby shower.

I torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.

I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't...  
My arm kept moving.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables.  I
was clearing them for take off.  I had them all lined up
outside.  People thought it was an outdoor cafe.  I said, "No,
these are leaving at 3."  They were going to fire me anyway,
because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the
inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get
dirty.

I used to be an airline pilot.  I got fired because I kept
locking the keys in the plane.  They caught me on an 80 foot
stepladder with a coathanger.

I used to be bored when I was driving, but it hasn't been like
that at all since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors.
I spend all my time saying "What the hell is that?"

I used to have a job at a lake.  
I taught young fish how to all turn at the same time.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up.  
I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I walked up to a Tourist Information Booth and said:  
  "So, tell me about some people who were here LAST year!"

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

I was born by Caesarean section...  But not so you'd notice.
It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the
window.

I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had
made out of sponges.  I remember one time when I wore it.  When
I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I
came back.

I was driving my car around, I decided to hook my brake lights up 
to my gas pedal.  Just to confuse people behind me.  So I hit the 
gas and the brake lights go on.  They stop and I'm gone.  They say, 
"What was he driving?"

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said,
"Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?"  "Yes,
officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long."

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have
been serious because I brought a beach towel.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the
wires backwards.  I erased all of the records.  When I returned
them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started
reading.  Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of
light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"
He said, "I don't know."  I said, "I don't want your job."

I was in the first submarine.  Instead of a periscope, they had
a kaleidoscope.  "We're surrounded."

I was in the grocery store.  I saw a sign that said "pet
supplies."  So I did.  Then I went outside and saw a sign that
said "compact cars".

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the
aisle where they keep the generic brands.  Her name was "woman".

I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.

I was once walking through the forest alone.  
A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear it.

I was reading the dictionary.  
I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post.  It
said:  "Lost - $50.  If found, just keep it."

I was walking down the street the other day when all of a sudden the 
prescription on my eyeglasses ran out!

I was walking down the street the other day when I saw this guy 
with two wooden legs.  And real feet.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather.
The team scored a touchdown.  They showed the instant replay.
He thought they scored another one.  I was gonna tell him, but I
figured the game he was watching was better.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left
earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I went around my house and turned on all the lights.  Then I put
mirrors around all the light bulbs.  Now the electric company
sends me a check each month.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.  When I got
there, the guy was locking the front door.  I said, "Hey, the
sign says you're open 24 hours."  He said, "Yes, but not in a
row."

I went down to the store and bought some blank cassette tapes.
When I got home I put one in my cassette deck and turned it up
full blast.  I was walking around my house when I heard a knock
on my door.  It was my neighbor complaining about the
noise...  He's a mime.

I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked
up to me and said, "Can I help you?"  and I said "Yeah, do you
got anything I like?"  He said, "What do you mean do we have
anything you like?"  I said, "You started this."

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2 by 4 and a box of 3 by 5's. 
The clerk said, "ten-four."

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."  So
I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to court for a parking ticket.  I pleaded insanity.  
I said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in
the passing lane?"

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.  They
said, "What for?"  I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I went to the cinema, and the prices were adults $5.00,
children $2.50.  So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for
reading.  So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was
in the shape of a house.  I also bought some batteries, but they
weren't included.  So I had to buy them again.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from
the statues that are in all the other museums.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big
buffet in the shape of an Ouija board.  You'd think about what
kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor
to it.

I woke up one morning and looked around the room.  Something wasn't
right.  Then I realized that someone had broken in the night before 
and replaced every piece of my furniture with an exact replica.  
I couldn't believe it.  I woke up my roommate and showed him, I 
said "Look at this, everything's been replaced with an exact 
replica!" and he said, "Do I know you?"

I wrote a few children's books.  Not on purpose.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.  
Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, 
  "I think I might have written that."

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend.  
It's called, 
  "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 
  'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

I'm getting a tattoo.   
It's going to be all over my whole body, a tattoo of myself.  
Only taller.

I'm kinda tired.  I was up all night trying to round off
infinity.  Then I got bored and went out and painted passing
lines on curved roads.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I'm so ... hyper.

I'm the person who's got the erasers for all those miniature golf 
pencils!
 
I'm writing a book.  I've got the page numbers done, so now I
just have to fill in the rest.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract.  
No brush, no paint, no canvas.
I just think about it.

I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it.  I write
right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen!

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on
their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat
and drop it?

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.  
You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms
above...  So I never have to go upstairs.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany.  She said, "Cut
it out."

In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 
years.  I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go 
"Oh, sorry, I thought you were someone else."

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the
roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Is my car the only one in America where someone breaks in and turns up 
my radio every time I park?  

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room
temperature.

It's a good apartment because they allow pets.  I have a
Shetland pony named Nikkie.  Last summer Nikkie was involved in
a bizarre electrolysis accident.  All her hair was removed
except for her tail.  Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family
picnics.

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died
they'd just stay right up there.  Hunters would be all confused.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, 
  "Do you live around here often?"  
She said, 
  "You're wearing two different colored socks."  
I said, 
  "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."  
Then she asked,
  "How do you feel?"  
and I said, 
  "Well, you know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're 
  just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last
  second you catch yourself?  I feel like that all the time."

Last time I went camping, I accidentally borrowed a circus tent.
I didn't know until I got there and set it up.  People
complained because they couldn't see the lake.  There was a
forest nearby, but it wasn't a regular forest.  It was a forest
where they get paneling.  It was 90 miles long, and a quarter
inch thick.

Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning.
I knew I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on.  My ride
came at 5:30 in the morning, couldn't wake me up so he carried
me out of the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car,
and drove to the mountain.  Seventeen miles later, I woke up out
of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving
horizontally.  I'm sure this has happened to you.

Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my
own food.  My argument was that the concession stand prices are
outrageous.  Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

Last week I bought a new phone.  I took it out of the box,
hooked it up to the wall, pressed redial.  The phone had a
nervous breakdown.

Last week the candle factory burned down.  
Everyone just stood around singing "Happy Birthday."

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali.  He was using a
dotted line.  He caught every other fish.

Last year we drove across the country.  We switched drivers -
every half mile...  We only had one cassette tape to
listen to on the entire trip - I don't really remember what it was.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic.  
I mimic my shadow.

My dental hygienist is cute.  Every time I visit, I eat a whole
package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby.  Sometimes
she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

My friend has a baby.  I'm recording all the noises he makes so
later I can ask him what he meant.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator.  He didn't get his
birthmark until he was eight years old.

My friend's in jail for counterfeiting pennies.  Idiot!  
It's minimum-security...he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.  
You know how they caught him?  
He had the head and the tail on the wrong side!

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this
tour.  I said, "the whole time."

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out.  When she's asleep,
I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

My girlfriend's so intense.  She woke me up the other night
and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were
going to die, would you want to know?"  "Heck no," I said,
"Why?"  "Doesn't matter, just go back back to sleep."

My grandfather gave me a watch.  It doesn't have any hands or
numbers.  He says it's very accurate.  I asked him what time it
was.  You can guess what he told me.

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes.  It all started back in
1912...  Well, to make a long story short ...

My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head.
I hope it's not hereditary.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get
out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

My house is on the median strip of a highway.  You don't really
notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

My mom called me last night.  I'm over it now.

My neighbor has a circular driveway...  He can't get out.

My neighbors don't like it when I talk to my plants.  
I use a megaphone.

My roommate got a pet elephant.  Then it got lost.  It's in the
apartment somewhere.

My school colors were clear.  
We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."

My uncle's an airline pilot.  Kinda makes it difficult to hold the
bottle though.

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it.  
So I'm going to move to New York.

Now I'm going to tell you about the girl I'm seeing now.  I met
her at a Macy's in New York.  She was buying clothes, and I was
putting slinkies on the escalators.  The girl I'm seeing now,
Rachel, is a very pretty girl.  She has emerald eyes and long,
flowing plaid hair.  The last week in August, we went camping
way up in Canada.  We were laying around in the woods and stuff,
and I don't know how she did it but she got poison ivy on her
brain and the only way she can scratch it is if she thinks about
sandpaper.  She's a rich girl, she's from somewhere else.  And
her father is an incredible millionaire.  He's the guy who
designed the diagram to show you which way to put the batteries
in something.  Having sex with Rachel is amazing.  It's like
going to a concert.  She yells a lot.  She throws frisbees
around the room.  And when she wants more she lights a match.

On the other hand...  You have different fingers.

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the
most gorgeous blond Chinese girl...  I sat beside her.  I said,
"Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't
it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a
problem."  So I asked, "What's the problem?"  She replied, "I
can't tell you.  I don't even know you..."  I said, "Well
sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger
on a bus."  So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a
nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...  By the way, my
name is Denise."  I said, "Hello, Denise.  My name is Bucky
Goldstein..."

One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house.  I was
walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess
told me to sit down.

One night I came home very late.  It was the next night.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's
satellite dish.  My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.  He said,
"Didn't you see the stop sign?"  I said, "Yeah, but I don't
believe everything I read."

One time I was hitchhiking when a hearse stopped.
I said, "No thanks, I'm not going that far."

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab.  
The movie cost me $95.

One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had
been done by children.  They had all the paintings up on
refrigerators.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the
flash on my camera to see my way around.  I made a sandwich and
took fifty pictures of my face.  The neighbors thought there was
lightning in my house.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.  
I think I've forgotten this before.

So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there
anyway except for this girl I was seeing.  We had conflicting
attitudes:  I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't
really into being alive.  I told her I knew when I was going to
die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.

So I get off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and
I'm dragging the plane through the terminal...  The wings are
knocking people over...

So I'm driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend 
of mine on cruise control.  Both of us in the back seat.  The 
police pull us over.  They don't know who to arrest, nobody's 
driving.  So, they arrest us both.  There I am on the witness 
stand.  You know the rest.

Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns
behind his ears.  I think George is weird, because he has false
teeth.  With braces on them.  George is a radio announcer, and
when he walks under a bridge...  You can't hear him talk.

Someone told me I should learn to relax by daydreaming, but 
I couldn't get the hang of it because my mind kept wandering.

Sometimes I...No, I don't.

Sorry, my mind was wandering.  One time my mind went all the way
to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.

Sponges grow in the ocean.  That just kills me.  I wonder how
much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop 
you.  "License and registration, please."  "Hermits have no peer 
pressure."  "License and registration, please."  "Whenever I think 
about the past, it just brings back so many memories."  "License 
and registration, please."  "There's a fine line between fishing 
and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.  Wouldn't you"
say, Officer?"  "License and registration, please."   "What's 
another word for Thesaurus?"  See the cop have a nervous breakdown.
"I was just trying to give him a ticket."

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you
get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter, Skelter."

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...  on
the ledge.  Some people are afraid of heights.  Not me, I'm
afraid of widths.

The other day I went into the general store because I wasn't 
looking for anything specific.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a
rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on
a tree.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house
with my car keys.  I started the house up.  So, I drove it
around for a while.  I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over.
He asked where I lived.  I said, "right here, officer".  Later,
I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars,
"Get out of my driveway!"

The Stones, I love the Stones.  I watch them whenever I can.
Fred, Barney...

The sun got confused about daylight savings time.  It rose
twice.  Everything had two shadows.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
looking like an idiot.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices.
in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

They say we're 98% water.  We're that close to drowning...
(Picks up his glass of water from the stool...)  I like to live
on the edge...

Today I...No, that wasn't me.

Today I dialed a wrong number.  The other person said, "Hello?" 
and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"  They said, "Uh,  
I don't think so.  Joey's only 2 months old."  I said, "I'll wait."

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli.  I
sold a #3 for 28 bucks.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital.  They
lay there and looked at each other.  Their families came and
took them away.  Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence,
they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each
other.  One of them looked at the other and said, "So.  What did
you think?"

Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings.  
Whenever I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call.  
One time I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop
ringing, so I had it disconnected.  

We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going
through a green light.  We pleaded "maybe".  I asked the judge
if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further
questions."

What do batteries run on?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask
me if I'm leaving.

When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre.  It's a good airline.  You
buy a one way round trip ticket.  You leave any Monday, and they
bring you back the previous Friday...  That way you still have
the weekend.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for
twins.  Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but
he didn't obey.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my
age in a year.  I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six
I'll be ninety.

When I was a baby, I kept a diary.  Recently, I was rereading it.  
It said, 
"Day 1: Still tired from the move.  
 Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot."

When I was a kid, I remember seeing Smokey the Bear on TV
saying, "Only you can prevent forest fires."  I thought "Who?
Me?"  So I'd sneak out of the house in the middle of the night
with a bucket of water -- "Gotta go to work."

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you
have any toy train schedules?"

When I was a little kid we had a sand box.  
It was a quicksand box.  
I was an only child...eventually.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had
any firearms with me.  I said, "Well, what do you need?"

When I was eight, I was alone with my grandma, and
she told me she had eyes in the back of her head.  All I can do 
is pray it's not hereditary.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round.  There was
a gunshot nearby.  The horses stampeded.  There I was running
down the street on a purple wooden horse.

When I was eight, I played Little League.  I was on first; I
stole third; I went straight across.  Earlier that week, I
learned that the shortest distance between two points was a
direct line.  I took advantage of that knowledge.

When I was little, my grandfather asked me how old I was.  I
said, "Five."  He said, "When I was your age, I was six."

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a
closet for five minutes without moving.  He said it was elevator
practice.

When I was seven, my parents moved to Texas.  When I was nine, I 
found them.

When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers.  We
haven't spoken since.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you
sleep good?"  I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

Whenever I'm in Chicago, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, 
and when I'm out of town, they mail it to me.

Why do ballet dancers stand on their toes?  Why don't they just
get taller women?

Why do they call unsalted top crackers "Saltines"?  Shouldn't
they just be called "Ines"?

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put
your two cents in?"  Somebody's making a penny.

Why is the alphabet in that order?  
Is it because of that song?

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on
your head.  If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater
real quick.

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo.  He got
pretty good.  He could go under a rug.

Women...Can't live with 'em...Can't shoot 'em.

Years ago, I worked in a health food store in
Seattle, Washington.  One day a man walked in and asked, "If I
can melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?"  Two days
later I was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight
Bosco on the job.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone.  
When I came back the entire area was missing.

You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, 
you're reading, reading...
And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed?  
I'm like that all the time.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you
get to the top, and you think there's one more step?  I'm like
that all the time.